


below the thunders of the upper deep

by undertheteacup



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Existential Angst, F/F, Gen, Mass Effect 3: Leviathan, Multi, Philosophy, Polyamorous Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:07:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3823135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undertheteacup/pseuds/undertheteacup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard has a bit of an existential crisis upon her return from meeting Leviathan, but her resolve actually strengthens as a result. Polyamorous relationships with Ashley, Liara, and Tali frame the fic but don't feature prominently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	below the thunders of the upper deep

After finally making it up out of the cold, dark depths;

tumbling face-first out of the mech and the salty waves, getting tucked snugly against Ashley’s warm side and dragged away to safety, Ashley’s arm around her waist;

getting a dressing down from both her lovers (”You know what Shepard, the next time you’re craving some alone time, just say so. You don’t need to run off twenty thousand leagues under the sea chasing the kraken.”

“Yes Shepard, I must say I agree. This is not the best way to deal with the stress of polyamorous relationships. Although I admit I am somewhat envious of your getting to meet Leviathan”);

after returning to the Normandy; getting out of her sodden gear, the weapons locker squared away, checked over by doctor Chakwas;

Shepard is finally alone.

She stares into space. Listens to the whoosh-sigh-click of her cabin door closing, and then the silence (low frequency hum of waves in her ears). She pulls out her desk chair, plops into it, and scoots forward until she can prop her elbows on the table and her forehead in her hands.

She closes her eyes and goes through it all again, remembering. (the darkness and cold are waiting there, right behind her eyelids, as if they’d never left)

The vastness of time and space. The creation of the Reapers to maintain life, so that it may be harvested. The beginning of the Harvest. Eons of data, of life growing along the lines designated by the Reapers like bacteria in a petri dish. Countless cycles. The same pattern over and over again, forever, always.

But even before the Reapers. All the species enthralled by the Leviathans, observed by them, and yet the pattern forever the same: creation of artificial life, leading to self-destruction even without the Harvest. Over and over, always, doomed even before the Reapers began.

The insignificance of one person. One cycle. One life.

The enormity and bleakness of it is tempting. In the middle of a war, of scrabbling against insurmountable odds to gain the least bit of ground, it offers a way out. A place to rest.

_What does it matter, if everything always turns out the same? Why fight? It’s okay to stop, to not care anymore, to not even try. None of it will make a difference in the end. Why bother?_

She rolls that thought around her mind this way and that for a while. _Why bother?_ Staying with that need to come to rest, until something else finally surfaces. In the shadow cast by her steepled hands over the desk, Shepard smiles, triumphantly.

If there is no hope, nothing to win, then certainly there is nothing to lose either. She’s already died and come back - what would be the point of laying down and giving up now? If nothing ‘really’ matters then.. isn’t she free to create her own purpose?

Why bother?

 _Because I exist. Here, right now, today. I live. And if I am here I want to keep fighting, being alongside family, hoping and feeling this world. Because it’s beautiful, because it feels good, because it’s interesting; because it matters to_ me.

She stands up, feet planted wide, gazing at some unseen point completely outside the cabin.

_What else in the world could possibly be worth doing anyway?_

She thinks about all the people she loves, how excited she is to get to be alive with them, for however long they’ve got. She thinks of all the things she still wants to do with them (take Liara out on an actual date, something playful and fun! Remind Ashley how loved, wanted, treasured, important she is. Plan a relaxing evening for Tali to take some of that weight off her shoulders); and she grins.

Even if they all get destroyed anyway, at least it will be an entertaining way to pass the time.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to process some of my own thoughts about the Leviathan missions. I've half a mind to write future chapters actually detailing those dates mentioned at the very end!


End file.
